Those Nasty What-if's

Before I launch into yet another blog full of my depressing secret thoughts, I just want to say that the reason I haven't blogged in a week is because I spent a wonderful weekend in New York with my mom and my girls.  It was some much needed girl time and we had such a fantastic time.  We went to see Annie because Emma will be starring in her upcoming middle school play with the lead role.  It was so great to see her meeting the actress who played Annie in the Broadway show!  One of those moments you never forget!  I really thought I'd come back feeling refreshed but instead the what-if's set in just a few days later.

Aside from the biggest what-if....What if this never happened? What would our lives look like now?, there's so many small what-if's every day.  Sometimes I feel consumed by them.  I find I do well for long periods of time and then just have a few days where I crash.  These past few days my jaw has been killing me from clenching and grinding and I feel just tense all over.  I know this too shall pass but while it's happening, there's all of those what-if's.

What if things don't get any better once the Keppra is out of his system?  I know we're only day four into the weaning process but I'm getting scared that I've put far too much hope into things changing.  Especially with the fist pounding on the leg.  What if it's still just as incessant as it is now?  How will I handle that?

What if the application I just sent into MassHealth doesn't get approved?  Or doesn't get approved before our current health insurance stops?

What if I didn't do everything correctly setting Tim up with Medicare, a drug plan, and supplementary insurance?

What if Tim's next MRI shows that all of this concern over med changes is trivial and I should have been concerned over much bigger things?

What if Tim has another seizure?  What if Keppra is the only anti seizure drug that works for him?

And then there's the big what-if's that plague me when I try to think long term.  What if when I eventually return to the working force, I'm too old to start a new career?  I would have thought at forty years old I would be established in my career and wouldn't have to be thinking this way.  But because of the circumstances of my recent life, I don't see myself going back to a field where there's any caregiving involved.  I believe I'll be ready for something totally new.  But how do I go about this and will they even want me?

What if I don't know what to do with my life after all of this?  Caring for Tim and supporting my girls has become my full time life.  What am I without that?  I don't do anything else!  Who am I anymore?

If this case of the downers is anything like the other ones I've been through, I know in a day or two I won't be feeling so defeated.  I'm just ready for a period of time where there aren't any big (or even small) decisions to make.  It seems every time one thing gets figured out, along comes the next.  I'd just like some time to stop, relax, and enjoy.  Now if I can only figure out what I enjoy anymore!