Feelings

I don't want to make it sound as though I spend all of my time thoroughly depressed, so please don't take this post that way.  It's just that I was reading a book before bed last night and came across this quote that I feel could sometimes describe me:

"The worst type of crying wasn't the kind everyone could see - the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it.  A section withered and became a scar on the part of your soul that survived."

I'm too embarrassed to provide the book and author as when I downloaded this particular book on my kindle, I did not notice that it said it was a Harlequin teen book.  It was part of the kindle daily deals and the plot sounded interesting.  It's actually a pretty darn good book but I don't think I'll put it out there right now.

I'm not much of a crier.  I rarely show the emotions that I am feeling, in fact I probably work extra hard to cover them up- awkwardly laughing after talking about anything that truly upsets me.  Even when I am feeling sad and crying on the inside, chances are you will ask me how I'm doing and my answer will be something neutral like "hanging in there" or "doing ok."  I won't out and out lie and say everything is great but there's something really uncomfortable about pouring it all out when someone asks how you are.  I don't think that's what most people are really looking for anyway!

This quote also made me think about how differently people react to difficult situations.  Abby and I tend to be more stoic and in control when a crisis happens.  Whereas Emma will scream, cry out, and lash out at any one around her.  For the longest time, I've thought Emma is the one who is reacting somewhat inappropriately but now realize that holding it all in isn't really all that healthy either.  Maybe that's why my blood pressure is high?

I know I'm not going to change and start pouring my heart out to everyone who asks but maybe just writing about it is all I need right now to feel even slightly better and avoid that feeling of awkwardness that comes with the face to face talks.