A Tough Month

I've said it before....I can go long periods of time feeling ok about things and then WHAM! everything gets tough to face again.  Nothing has changed healthwise for Tim.  We continue to plug along trying to find the right medications to help with his behaviors.  But here I am feeling helpless, frustrated, and back to questioning "Why me?"

I think it's partially the month of June.  We "celebrated" our anniversary last week.  For me that's a really tough day to "celebrate."  You're supposed to be able to look back at that day you got married and all of the wonderful things you've shared since.  All I can seem to see on that day now is everything that I lost.  It's not your typical wedding anniversary.  Yes, we went out to dinner but it wasn't a romantic night out.  Any trip out to a restaurant is hard now as sitting still for any length of time or holding a conversation are not things that Tim is able to do well anymore.  We got lots of anniversary wishes and reflections of how beautiful our wedding day was and I just found as the day went on I just felt more and more sad. 

And then Father's day rolls around.  This one is tougher for me to watch the kids go through.  I don't think that they find that particular day any harder than any other but both of them have talked about how their daddy isn't really a father in the way other kids have a father.  He can't help with homework, or fix things that need fixing, he doesn't follow when they try to talk to him about something happening with their friends, and let's face it when they are home alone with him they are the ones in charge.  And since his temper isn't always the best, they have to be very careful about what they say and do around him.  Unfortunately he also doesn't like to be touched so hugs and kisses are pretty much out too.

Now comes my birthday.  In the days before the brain tumor symptoms even started, Tim was so invested in surprising me with something on my birthday.  His generosity always amazed me and it was so nice to be surprised.  Now that he can't drive, the kids are in charge of trying to find me something on Amazon and he doesn't really have any part in it.  I definitely miss those days!

I have to give a shout out to my most amazing friend, Laura Catlin, who is giving me exactly what I want for my birthday this year - time with friends.  Time to feel as normal as possible, hopefully time to laugh.  I honestly don't think I could make it through all of this without times like that. 

It has been a rough couple of weeks and for someone who's not usually a crier, there certainly have been a lot of tears.  If anyone is available for a hug, I could sure use a few! :)